You can’t change what you don’t know about

I feel sad when I consider how many people are walking around inside organisations with no real understanding of what is holding them back.

They know something isn’t quite working. They aren’t stupid. They know they aren’t totally trusted, can see how others get better opportunities, how conversations with them a slightly stilted and the connection with you that’s just not quite there. They can see how you treat others just that little bit better than them.

Every team has these people, and in each case, no one has actually sat with them and said the ‘thing’ clearly enough, cleanly enough and kindly enough for it to be useful.

So they keep going, unaware of the very pattern everyone else can see clear as day.

We judge people for what they lack, then withhold the very conversation that could help them see it.

So sad :-(

This is the tragedy of modern leadership. The illusion of caring. “But I don’t want to upset them” the leader says. “We just need to focus on the business” and, of course, there’s a vision to turn into reality, but ultimately leadership is a pursuit in humanity … it’s the humans that turn the dream into dollars. Without humanity, which so many leaders have no idea how much they withhold, a pattern emerges – judgements held privately, discussed at executive level, even, yet so rarely shared with the one person who can actually do something useful with the information.

Every leader knows what holds their people back.

And it’s not that the leader is wrong – they are right – everyone has limitations – but we can’t overcome what we don’t know about.

The real problem is how often leaders do nothing meaningful with what they see.

They talk around the person rather than to them, carrying the burden of that frustration as they subconsciously gather more evidence to solidify their judgements, land on conclusions yet soften the message until it becomes useless – or avoid it entirely for one equally depressing and unspoken reason:

They do not know how to say what needs to be said without causing damage.

The person remains stuck inside something they have never had the chance to understand.

The leader can see clearly, but seeing is not leadership.

Having the conversation is.

And when I say conversation, I do not mean feedback. This is where damage happens –impotent one-way interactions in which the judgement is dispersed and the conversation ends. Feedback can be accurate, well-intentioned and still leave the person feeling judged rather than invited into understanding themselves. A real conversation puts the truth into the space between two people and creates space for both of them to look at it.

It says, clearly and without unnecessary emotion, “This is what I am seeing. This is the impact. I want to understand what is happening for you here?”

Now the person is not just receiving a verdict. They have the chance to say whether they knew, whether they have been wondering about it themselves, whether something else is happening underneath, whether they see it differently, whether they are afraid, confused, unclear, defensive, ashamed, overwhelmed or simply blissfully unaware.

When something is finally said without contempt and without the leader needing to be right, the pattern becomes something that can be explored rather than a notch against them. The person gets access to information they cannot use while everyone is busy judging their deficits.

Handled with skill, truth is care, not cruelty.

This is what Unmanaged leadership asks of you: to stop managing around people’s limitations and start creating the conversations where those limitations can be understood and moved on from. It asks you to stop reducing people to the things they struggle with and start believing more may be available once what is hidden becomes visible.

There is probably someone in your team right now who you have formed a judgement about. Someone you discuss more than you speak to. Someone you feel frustrated by, disappointed in, careful around or quietly resigned about.

The question is whether they know what you see, and whether you know how to create the conversation that would allow them to see it with curiousity rather than defensiveness.

Where are you still judging someone privately because you do not yet know how to speak to them with care and intent to initiate change? What is staying unsaid because the conversation feels too hard, too emotional or too risky? And what could become possible if that person finally saw what you can see?

If you’ve got answers to those questions, my encouragement to you is to complete an Unmanaged Leadership Assessment: together we will identify the conversations that are not yet happening, why they are being avoided, and what needs to shift so those conversations become the place where real development starts.

If there is a conversation you know needs to happen, reply CONVERSATION and let’s start talking about what’s possible for your leadership.