Even the most emotionally intelligent leaders are in denial

When I first started teaching Unmanaged leadership, I saw leaders deny something repeatedly.

Even the most experienced CEOs, the most ‘emotionally intelligent’ and the most well-qualified people leaders were in confident denial of this one thing.

Years later it’s never wavered and how consistently this shows up still surprises me.

It’s men. It’s women. It’s young. Its old. It’s both experienced and inexperienced leaders.

They cannot acknowledge they are emotional.

But they are. It is in their tone of voice, the language they use, and their attitude.

The blind spot is revealed in comments like:

“I’m not emotional, I’m just really pissed off.”

And they mean it!

They genuinely believe they aren’t emotional.

They have cleverly convinced themselves that they can be pissed off or disappointed or frustrated without being ‘emotional’.

And who can blame them … no-one wants to be labelled ‘emotional’.

But the absence is unhelpful and their validation has a simple explanation – that being “emotional” means they are only one of two things:

• visibly angry and aggressive

• or visibly upset … which means tears.

Anything outside of that doesn’t seem to count.

Which is crazy because that is just the outer edges of the emotional spectrum – and there is a vast array of emotions that are less visible, yet no less impactful in driving your behaviour.

And whether you like it or not, when emotion is present, it’s driving your actions far more than you’re aware of.

Frustration, irritation, annoyance – the most common emotions leaders feel towards their teams – just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean you aren’t feeling something and that something isn’t impacting you more than you realise.

But the bottom line is, these (and many more) are all emotions, and they shape how leaders show up.

But it’s not emotions that are the problem.

Emotions are a normal part of being human.

It’s unconscious emotion: the lack of awareness of your own emotional state – and the unconscious behaviour you employ as a result.

The attitudes you hold towards people.

The language you use.

Your energy.

Your people are listening intently to you, and hear far more than your words.

They hear your emotion.

And when you are unaware of how you are feeling, the rational message is lost … and defensiveness begins.

People will go to great lengths to protect themselves from emotion, especially when they are coming from a position of authority.

(Leadership can be a lot like a parent/child relationship simulation … but that’s a much deeper subject for another article)

The opportunity for development is lost.

Your carefully constructed message becomes muddled with unconscious messaging, both verbal and non-verbal, blocking your opportunity to create change.

Unconscious emotion is one of the biggest barriers of effective leadership. That is why Developing Emotional Competence is one of the three pillars of Unmanaged Leadership (the other two being Messaging that Motivates and Ten Million Dollar Conversations).

Being connected to what you are feeling – and knowing what to do with it – is the home of emotional intelligence and a critical doorway into self-leadership.

But most of all it is the pathway towards business performance – because when your team can hear your messages without your unconscious emotion, you realise they want to hear what you say – because they too want to be better.

They just don’t want to feel threatened or unsafe.

As most will in the presence of unconscious emotion.

The implications of this little-known leadership competency are vast. The difference between performance and stagnancy. And like most leadership, it all starts with you.

A simple starting point to developing your own Emotional Competence is a question:

What am I feeling right now?

Before you default to “nothing,” consider that most of the time you are feeling something – and that there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling except your denial of it.

Your simple acknowledgement is the fast-track to move beyond it.

What do you think – can you see the impact of unconscious emotion on important conversations and therefore business performance?